That really bad moment when you are feeling so overly creative and are with out a camera. -.-

People follow me that I know and Im sick of being talked about. 

Im lost in the shadows of his existence. 

My family is a basic American family, a mom dad and three kids Nothing out of the ordinary. My parents are on the younger side my mother being only 14 when she conceived me so things were not in the slightest easy. We went from apartment to trailers to apartment to houses and so on. All ways moving It never really bothered me. I don’t want to say I had a bad childhood because Id hate to say that but it was certainly not good. Abusive at times both physical and mental. It changed me as a human so I would not alter my child hood in any way because it taught me a great deal about survival. Growing up I all ways felt like there was something missing like I was out of step with everyone else around me. My two younger brothers seemed to be fine so I always thought am I the only one thats like this why me. My father went about things differently when it came to my brothers and I. He played with them and treated them with care and affection and I was put on the wayside. I had a feeling that he was not my real father and I had some good reasons as to how he could not be. Im the only blonde haired blue eyed person in my family, I act differently and the story to why I have no father listed on my birth certificate changes. Example he could not get off work, and he did not have a car. So over the years things did not add up they would have anniversaries for them being together three years after I was born. So one day I was going through my mothers things when I came across a restraining order for a guy Iv never heard of. Immediately I called my grandmother and asked her a question Iv asked her many of times. She told me she could not lie to me any longer and told me the truth. It broke my heart knowing my life has been a lie and knowing everything I came up with in my head was true. Its a pain I still live with every day when ever I see happy complete families something that I have will never have. My child mind came up with elaborate stories as to why he left me. When the hard truth is that he just didn’t want me. I get reminded by my fake father that Im just a burden on his life and that he has to keep paying for a child thats not his and that its unfair to him. It hurts so much to be told you are not wanted and to be left behind by someone who is suppose to love you. A part of me wants to find the man thats my father just to see what his life is like. If he has kids what kind of house he lives in what car he drives. Another part of me does not want to know in fear of another let down or a door angrily slammed in my face. I just dont know what to do.

I dont know what this post was about. I guess just venting out some feelings in hope someone will read it and think about what they have or do not.

So last night was extremely strange. First I was going to a party with my friend shereen. So we met up with a few friends to pre-game and smoke pot before hand. As we were doing that Jonathan (last rant) texted me asking what I was up to for the night I told him I was going to a party later on. He was also going to a party and said that it might be the same party as a joke. I was not to worried about seeing him because ann arbor is a large city many partys are going on. So I get stupid drunk and mega high because I wanted to have a good time with friends. So we get there and dance for about an hour. We go outside to meet other friends and guess whos standing outside of the house.. Jonathan! I ran passed him to chase after friends down the street, he pursued after me. I turned around and he embraced me and I was drunk and very attracted to him so naturally I wanted to express that. When I kissed him after he acted strange I asked what was up and he said he’s not big on PDA. It upset me a bit but I moved passed it. I guess he just thought we were moving to fast and needed to chill. I can understand that but agh I just wanted to kiss him and hold his hand. 

I like to blog about random shit in my life and Im making a habit of it so sorry.